Magic Buttons

So, I have registered at last with a new GP, and will hopefully be able to arrange an appointment next week. I’ve no idea what the outcome of that will be, but resolved to work with them in whatever we decide will be my best interests. In the meantime, I have various LGBT social gatherings and the regular chore of tweezing my facial hair out to keep me amused…

And how am I feeling as things develop? Frankly, if there was a button in front of me that would immediately turn me into fully-realised female form, I would be sorely tempted to press it. On the other hand, if its only outcome was to put an end to my obsession and my dissatisfaction with my birth-assigned gender, I would be almost as tempted to press that too. Though positives are emerging, still this is not a fun thing to live with, it consumes much time and thought, and I am sceptical of a truly satisfactory outcome, never mind a quick one. Part of me would just like this to be over, one way or another. I do not allude to suicide, however. One thing the Leelah Alcorn case has starkly reminded us of is that too much death has already haunted the trans community, and I have no wish to add my mark to that body count.

On that note, I have to wonder at the number of triggers that worked to break my repression cycle on this occasion, and which put Eleanor firmly in the driving seat of “Anthony” … Each day seems to furnish a new example of discrimination and hate-crime, whether internationally or locally. The trans community in which I have, for so long, denied my place, is by no means a safe or comfortable place to reside, but I can no longer take any comfort in self-denial, and perhaps there is something for me to think on in this. Perhaps I may never be the 100% passable woman of my dreams, but if my acceptance of my place within this community and my subsequent involvement in it can bring any benefit, something more meaningful may have been achieved than if I could just magic myself into a new body here and now (or had been born in my ideal one to begin with).

“God doesn’t make mistakes,” as Leelah Alcorn’s mother (in)famously told her, and she was right. But God does issue challenges, and – while not wishing to exacerbate their grief – I believe Leelah’s parents did not rise particularly well to their challenge (probably because they misinterpreted it).

I hope and pray that I shall rise better to mine.

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3 thoughts on “Magic Buttons

  1. I’ll do my best. 🙂 I need to keep this in perspective. Unless I simply decide to invest in black market hormones (dumb, expensive, and quite possibly fatal), there is every possibility I will be denied any form of transition and will just have to settle for antidepressants (which I would be inclined to refuse, having seen the wreck they have made of a fair few lives…). However, if nothing else I can hopefully take this as an opportunity to make a positive impact. Thank you for the encouragement. x

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  2. Pingback: A Little Spur… | A Belated Existence

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