This comes in response to a comment left on my last post, which got me thinking:
“Maybe what is being missed, (again amidst the rhetoric), is that the vast majority of those who “old guard/privileged” people who successfully struggled through the change and fully assimilated, no longer identify as trans.”
I take this to mean that the “old guard” of transitioned transpeople now fully and successfully identify as their acquired genders, and so feel justified in revoking any former allegiance they had to transpeople still undergoing transition. I have heard that before, with people (who shall remain nameless) confiding in me their disillusionment with the trans scene and how they can’t wait to leave it and just live as their acquired gender. Some of them are seeing the situation through rose-tinted glasses, I fear, but others no doubt have that option, if they prefer it.
And myself? If I could fully assimilate as a woman, without the “trans” prefix? I can certainly see the temptation, and I would be lying through my teeth if I claimed I feel no sadness over the great unlikelihood of it.
I see changes in myself, and I am generally pleased with them, but I know I do not pass, and the old “T” has done its groundwork too well. Even when I have fried every follicle and taken my precious blue pills for years, I will still be well over average female height, with a bulging Adam’s apple, a jutting brow ridge, broad shoulders, a bony nose, and a square chin. Any one or two of these disadvantages I might get away with, but the whole ensemble is just too much of a give-away. My regeneration will only leave me looking like a different kind of alien.
Which raises the valid question of why I want it so much, but I at least know that the further I proceed with this – even with the merely social aspects of transition – people relate to me differently, even if they do not and will probably never relate to me exactly as they would to a genetic woman. All limitations aside, I will take that as far as I can. Of course, it is also hugely personal, and beyond what I can call rational. I used to hate my face and body. I no longer hate them, even if I remain greatly dissatisfied with them. I feel more confident, if not perfectly confident, in projecting the sort of image that speaks truly of my inner being, rather than a socially-safe option that is no more than a suit of armour. Even if physical transition was not an option – if I was refused it, or NHS cutbacks saw it on the scrapheap with life-prolonging cancer treatments (sadly true) – I would still have to pursue my social transition. Living in hiding, even in plain sight, is something no-one should be expected to do.
I can live with being a visible transwoman, which is as fortunate as it is destined. It is a destiny that faces most who do not transition early, and cannot afford expensive plastic surgery. Whether or not they transition fully, the prospect of full assimilation is unlikely for them, unless that is societal attitudes to gender and appearance change considerably… which would be no bad thing, but would certainly require much activism and education.
I do sympathise with my trans sisters and brothers who have transitioned and cut loose from the trans scene, locally and online, or those who intend to. If I could “go stealth” and fully assimilate, I would certainly struggle to resist the temptation to join them, but It is not a realistic option for me, and my conscience tells me that may be for for the best. I have been placed exactly where I need to be.