Year of Politics and Procrastination…

I always suspected this blog would tail off rather than go out with a bang, alas, but although I must take part of the blame for that in a sense it has been unavoidable: in the early stages of transition one’s mood was of constant panic, and it was a matter of priority to keep very busy and pro-active to have some sense of control over it all. Additionally, things seemed to move more quickly. Now, nineteen months down the line, things seem a lot slower-paced, although by no means resolved. Cal and I are both now officially patients at the London GIC (Charing Cross) and technically on the gender care pathway, although our GP practice continues to refuse us any interim care and I am still self-medicating HRT based on rough figures which have so far not killed me, touch wood (As ever, this practice does not come recommended). However, a trans social meeting I attended recently gave me to understand that we should be receiving care from our GP by now, so a complaints procedure is looking increasingly like our best option. It’s stress we could live without, of course, but we knew this would be a struggle.

It might help, of course, if we were transitioning at a less volatile time, but it seems whenever we glance at social media these days there is a new reason to fear the course of global events and what this may mean for us as LGBT+ people, as well as NHS patients: the Orlando massacre, the rise of the right and hatecrime, Brexit, the apparent disintegration of the Labour Party, Donald Trump, etc. Being introverts never made so much sense… Unfortunately, I now find myself as an introvert at a loose end, having finished the novel I was working on and lacking inspiration for a project to follow it. I am hoping to start some voluntary work later this month with a Cardiff LGBT charity, and Pride Cymru is coming around again (13th of August), while Cal is hoping to upgrade his working hours to full time. Modelling, alas, has fallen off considerably – not that I ever expected it to go huge – though I do have a few shots from a training shoot I did a couple of weeks ago at Mark Cleghorn Studios (Barry, Vale of Glamorgan), based around the “Little Black Dress” theme:

Not that I would say I am remotely satisfied with how I look, nor ever likely to be, but it was nice to be asked. Validation has been in short supply of late, for us both.

Thus, we continue to support each other, and I really can’t imagine how I would have got through this without Cal, but the motivation and stamina to be “out and proud” is difficult for us both to maintain, even on mere social media, so my apologies for my very inconsistent presence this year. I hope I will feel more in the mood for visibility in the future. I know invisibility does not serve my community very well. It can feel awfully stress-relieving, though, but I will seek a healthy balance.

22 thoughts on “Year of Politics and Procrastination…

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  1. Your GP has a duty of care to you and should be supporting you. So I would check out NHS Wales guidance on this and start a complaint. I know it takes energy but we really do have to stop them ignoring us. I love reading your posts so I hope you will keep on writing but I do understand that sometimes there is little to say. Transition seems to take forever.
    Love the photo’s. Take care, regards to you both xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right. I will definitely start making as much of a nuisance of myself as possible (Already have done, in fact, as I wrote the whole story to my Assembly Member yesterday). Playing nice is my instinct, but it does not seem to get results, and I feel post-Brexit, with less public resources and a devalued currency, we shall have to fight all the harder if only to keep the resources we already have.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I see that you are taking action with your GP. Is it not possible to switch if you are not being treated properly?
    I wish you and Cal luck and sending positive thoughts your way.

    I’m so glad you shared the pictures. You are stunning!. The first picture is so elegant. Each picture so captivating…I hope it was fun.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. 🙂 It was a fun day, and a hobby I have missed for most of this year. x

      We have thought about changing GPs, but no-one has been able to tell us of any within our local area who would be any better. There are slightly dodgy ways around it (using an official address in another location to access a friend’s GP, for example) but they are not easily done. In any case, we have a friend attending that practice as well for the same reason, so hopefully whatever action we take will benefit him as well. Not happy that it came to this, though…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m very sorry to hear about your GP, and how all the political turmoil impacts you and Cal personally. What a great photo shoot, you have a look of equal parts happy and mischievous in the last one. It can’t rain forever, and I have no doubt the two of you will weather this storm.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, for both the philosophical and artistic encouragement. 🙂 I do enjoy modelling, but I’ve never really been sure if I’m not just making an idiot of myself… not that reputation should ever be a barrier to fun. 😉

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I am sorry that on top of the physical and emotional challenges that can come with transition, it also becomes your job to educate people and to take on legal battles to get the care you are just entitled to as a human being. It’s an extra burden that shouldn’t be there. If it comforts you at all, what you are doing will make this path less miserable for others in the future. In that way, it’s a brave and important political act.

    Those photos–I think you don’t realize how good you look. I love the dress and scarf and the way you wear your hair. It’s a great look. And you know, you have a lovely, graceful way with your arms and hands. Very elegant. I’m glad you included the last shot, with a smile. I don’t know if I’ve seen a photo with a smile before, but it’s lovely; you have a contagious smile.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, that certainly cheered me up, and I am particularly relieved you liked the hair. 😀 ❤ I really like wearing it that way, but was told it was "too old", much to my sadness. Not that there is anything wrong with the vintage look, I should certainly hope…

      And thank you for the encouragement. 🙂 We seem to be making some progress, and you are right: we are by no means the only trans people facing these issues, and what action we pursue may (hopefully) benefit others.


      1. Part of what I like about the hair is that it is a little different than what everyone else wears. What would these critics have you do? Flatiron your hair? Also the way you wear it suits the clothes and overall style, I think.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh my goodness, you are beautiful. My first thought was that you are just so normal! How many women can honestly say they love the way they look? Not many, but what do I know! We waste so much time focusing on things that just don’t matter. You have love and really, in the big scheme of things it’s all going to work out. We get to choose happiness and you’ve already taken the steps to be you and joyful and light. Just wanted you to know I was reading and still love you!!! Take care💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the lovely mood lift. 🙂 It’s been hard and weird times since this post, alas: a death on Cal’s side of the family, which knocked everything into a different perspective (We still have yet to make the complaint to the NHS – it just didn’t seem as important). Our relationship is as strong as ever, though. And I love you too. 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. You look fabulous! I too was in a bit of a lull in posting. It seems that after the first, rather new and exciting, year of identifying as trans/agender, I felt less of a drive to post. It is also the case that I now have a real world trans family to rely on which lessens the need to reach out online. Still I do miss my time here so I am finding my way back.

    Liked by 1 person

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